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Fumbling Toward Motherhood by Stephanie McCarty A little perspective When my first daughter was born nearly four years ago, I was thrilled to have a new baby but had no idea how quickly it would all go by. From her earliest days, it seems like I’ve spent countless hours online and with my nose in parenting books searching for answers on why, how, and most importantly when she would do the things the books told me she should be doing. Unfortunately, I was not laid back about these precious milestones and spent a great deal of time worrying and obsessing about when she would roll over, what she should be eating and why she took a while to warm up at play dates or wasn’t walking as early as other kids. It seems hard to believe that my firstborn is about to turn 4 years old. Looking back, the days of infancy and toddlerhood seem like a blur. I’m already having trouble remembering when she did certain things and even what she looked like at various stages. Following the birth of our second daughter last fall, everything changed. As I cradled my precious newborn in my arms it was hard to remember my oldest daughter ever being so tiny and new. The arrival of baby number two brought another opportunity to soak up every single second of her new life. I would sit for hours with her cuddled up against me on the sofa just staring at her and drinking in her intoxicating new baby smell. I reveled in each little noise and movement and brimmed with pride each time her beautiful eyes stared up at mine. I had felt so rushed and overwhelmed with the first baby. But with baby number two, I had an overwhelming desire to sit quietly and take it all in. However, this time I have a very active preschooler to care for, along with my infant, and these stolen moments are usually few and far between. So, I try to take them when I can get them…while big sister is at preschool, or in the evening when I should be putting her to bed but opt to hold her on my chest and watch her sleep. I’ve grown accustomed to the sound of her snores accompanying my favorite television shows. With our littlest one, all of the stages seem to be easier. I don’t stress out about whether she’s getting exactly the right amount of “tummy time” each day or which variety of strained veggies or fruits she should try first. I’ve barely even read the parenting books this time – confident that she will sit up, crawl – or not, and walk all in good time. Maybe it’s because she’s the last little baby we’ll ever have living in our house so I want to remember and enjoy these fleeting moments while I still can. Or maybe it’s because there’s no time to worry because I’m too busy making sure our 4-year-old is entertained and isn’t beating up her sister or drawing all over the furniture with permanent marker. Either way, I’ve vowed to take it slower this time – and to enjoy all the moments of these early days – even the ones that involve strained peas ending up in my hair and on my face. On a recent cold winter evening, my girls and I were cuddled up on the couch watching a Care Bears DVD (for what had to be the 100th time) and I noticed my baby’s small hand wrapped entirely around my finger and my oldest daughter’s hand on top of mine. I paused to take a mental snapshot of this moment willing the days of them wanting to hold my hand to last a while longer. When the video was over my daughter said, “Mommy I’m sad – I don’t like when it’s over.” With tears in my eyes, all I could say to her was “Me too honey.”
Stephanie McCarty’s Fumbling Toward Motherhood column appears regularly in print and online publications. One of her columns was included in the 2007 release: “Chicken Soup for the New Mom’s Soul.” Stephanie writes from Ohio where she currently lives with her husband and two young daughters, who are the inspiration for her column. Read more of Stephanie’s work at: www.fumblingtowardmotherhood.com or contact her at: Stephanie@fumblingtowardmotherhood.com.
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