Mom Writer’s Literary Magazine

 

Asha Dornfest:  Optimism in the Face of Snark, One Parent Hack has Found the Combination for Mom Blogging Success
by Megan Jordan

 

“The thing that makes a successful blogger is an authentic, passionate voice.”

 

"I did not start Ashaland with the intent to become a ‘momblogger.’ It just seemed like the natural thing to do as a writer was to start a blog." Mom writer Asha Dornfest may have felt that moving from traditional writing to blogging was a natural progression, yet many writers still give blogging a bit of the stink eye, something better left to the "techies" and attention span challenged. Certainly not the type of engagement suited for a master of prose, right? Character development and story lines could do nothing but suffer under the limited platform that is blogging, surely?

Perhaps it is time to redefine "character development." More specifically, perhaps it is time to reconsider whose character you are interested in developing.

Welcome to the endlessly rewarding writing genre that is mom blogging. Perfectly suited for mom writers and mom ramblers alike. No agents necessary. Heck, no shoes necessary. Interested in digging those bare toes around this crowded, yet welcoming, sandbox? Every story line under the sun is available for your consideration.

Picture Asha Dornfest as the most welcoming face in that crowded sandbox of vocal mothers, dark eyes smiling through the jumble of kicking feet, practiced sandcastle-building hands, equally practiced sandcastle-crushing palms, beautifully airy voices and spoiled tones alike. A published technical book writer, personal blogger at Ashaland.com, and founder and editor of the stunningly successful community parenting site, ParentHacks.com, Asha is the one you should sit next to until you figure out what kind of castle you would like to build.

Thoughtful, measured, easy to laugh, and generously humble, Asha is a mom writer who thrives best in a community, making blogging the ideal platform for her talents. "I was a stay-at-home mom and I'd been writing for years. I will tell you that I am a social person by nature and, by all rights, writing is the absolute worst career for me because it really does isolate you. It pushes you into your mind and into your head. I love to write more than anything else, but as a career it is tough because it is such a lonely place to be." Blogging, Asha would soon find, was the perfect antidote to her isolation.

The transition from publishing books to blogging was an easy one for Asha; the only push she needed was that really giant one that comes with becoming a parent. Well, "one" push for those lucky mothers with the really wide "birthing" hips. 

Prior to becoming a parent, Asha Dornfest wrote technical how-to books, her most successful being FrontPage 2003 For Dummies (Wiley, 2003).  It wasn't until she became a parent that she began focusing more on personal memoir writing, publishing "in mostly the small magazines... I was not going for big national publications. This writing was really of a personal nature. It was more about working out my experiences and connecting with other mothers than it was about a writing career so much. When my kids were born, I had this massive shift in my interests and it just seemed there was so much to explore in terms of the experience of parenthood, so I started writing about parenting." 

Her relationships in the technical publishing field introduced her, through her husband's editing work, to the O'Reilly Hacks series of books. Conversations about quick and unconventional solutions, particularly those from "hackers" on the ground, easily turned to brainstorming between Asha and her husband, Rael. As Asha told Mommybloggers.com in a 2006 feature, "Rael and I were eating lunch and tossing around all sorts of random ideas, and I said: 'You know, O’Reilly should publish a book of parenting hacks!' From there, it was but a short hop to imagine such a project as a blog, where people could comment on posts and suggest their own hacks."

Asha, a Portland, Oregon, resident, had already been blogging personally at Ashaland.com for a short time, at this point, and found it to be just what she needed as a mom writer adjusting to a more isolated lifestyle at home with her children. "When I started blogging, suddenly, it was a conversation almost immediately. I thought to myself, 'Why would I ever publish anything on paper ever again?' Honestly, blogging and writing online is so much more satisfying to me, so much more dynamic. I really sort of felt like the traditional publishing world faded in its glamour and interest to me because I felt like my writing was taking on a life there's no way it could have, had it been on a page somewhere..."

"What's so compelling about parenting writing is the passion that goes into it. You can say things online that you really can't say in a printed piece. I don't know, I just really feel like that adds a lot of energy to your writing. Many [mom bloggers] use their blogs as a running commentary on day-to-day life and it's not very interesting reading. But some people use it as a place to really sort of analyze their experience and make connections sort of along the lines of what you would read in a N.Y. Times Sunday Magazine article. It just encompasses so many different types of writing."

If what would come to be known as "mom blogging" could provide so much interactive satisfaction to Asha, the platform seemed a perfect fit for sharing "hacks" provided for and gathered from other parents.  ParentHacks.com was launched in 2005 and immediately struck a chord among parents looking for unconventional and field-tested solutions to their daily challenges. The optimistic and encouraging Asha was an ideal force to support it, as she confidently states, "I believe in bringing people together. That has always been what brings me joy and that's what I try to do with my writing."

The irony is that optimism and community-building were not the order of the day among mom bloggers in 2005. The popular angle was more pessimistic, in-your-face, dry witted snark. Near-loathing of parenting, prodding of all things "conformist," and heavy doses of eye-rolling were what inflated traffic statistics of mom-written blogs at the time. Where could an uplifting voice of reason fit in, particularly one without heavy eyeliner and a pouty Goth-Grrrrl past?

"Controversy will certainly get you eye balls, I will say that. If that's your goal, take a picture of yourself with your shirt off; you're going to get plenty of traffic. There are lots of ways to get eyeballs. That's the same as Jerry Springer. Certainly controversy and an unconventional spin will gain traffic. If that is authentically your voice, then great. If effecting it in order to fit in? Because you think it's sort of what you need to be a 'cool' blogger? Then you're just going to fall totally flat on your face."

Traffic as the key measure of success was never the goal of ParentHacks, though, so Asha opted to stick with what she knew best and what she felt would resonate most honestly with her readers. "The thing that makes a successful blogger is an authentic passionate voice. The voice that you hear on Ashaland and ParentHacks is my authentic voice." And resonate it did. As a result, strong, long-term traffic of loyal readers found ParentHacks and now call it their go-to source for real world parenting tips. Asha has never looked back.

So what about those mom writers not-yet-come-bloggers toying with the idea of starting a personal blog?  Asha responds effortlessly, "If you're a writer [or your ultimate goal is print publication], this is something that you're going to want to do because not only can you add interactivity to your own writing, you can create the ultimate online portfolio... It allows you to showcase your voice in a way that, say, a writing sample wouldn't necessarily do. You can demonstrate a literary voice in a more formal essay writing voice and a conversational voice. I think that gets across so much more to people –  potential editors, agents, whoever, than anything else."

And yet thousands of mom writers are now pursing their lips and skeptically eyeing Ms. Dornfest, thinking this blogging stuff is still better left to the "techies." At worst, the agents. To the published writer that is hesitant to have to embrace this new social media, Asha understands. "If they've already got their 'in' with their magazine or book editor of choice, then perhaps they can afford to sort of embrace their little status on the island there. You can still sit in your office and crank out literature and send query letters, but I think you're going to make it lot harder on yourself."

What about the thousands of unpublished mom writers that simply aren't convinced that they have anything to write about worth reading? "The vast majority of my friends do not have blogs. I'm considered sort of this techie for having a blog. The first thing people say is, 'What would I say?' It's so funny, I mean, my God, what do you mean, ‘What would you say?’ There's so much to say. When you're talking to writers who naturally gravitate toward writings as a way of sharing, I can't think of why somebody wouldn't have a blog. Blogging is a wonderful way to network with editors and other published writers that you admire. It just immediately hooks you into this network of writers. I happen to know several people who've gotten book deals based on the writings of their blogs. The powerful sort of nature of their [posts], but also because they became a dynamic enough part of the community. It's as much about reaching out as it is showcasing your own talent."

"I think there's just no comparison between blogging and print publishing. I mean, blogging has made me new friends. It has allowed me to travel. It has put me in touch with people that I never would have met otherwise. And writing, writing can do that, too, but you have to sort of, you have to pass through that publishing gateway first. That's just not going to happen for everybody, nor should it happen for everybody, and yet, everybody has an experience to share. This suits me more as an individual, not just who I am personally, but I think also as a mom. What was ailing me was isolation in so many ways and [blogging] was the cure for that."

For all of the talk about mom blogging as a platform for larger goals, whether it be building your own online community or evolving into print publishing, there are still detractors that call it self-indulgent.  Particularly when the mom blogger is also a stay-at-home or work-at-home parent, their critics target their blogs as a luxury any mother that has ever claimed to be "too busy for lunch at the spa" with a single friend as one luxury too many. For Asha Dornfest, this is laughable. 

"I think for many people, [their blog] is their sanity. That's where they talk about the things that they don't feel like there necessarily is a place to talk about in their regular life. So if somebody were somehow putting a woman down and a mom down as being indulgent for blogging? That's like putting somebody down for talking to a friend. Taking time to talk to a friend is what one must do many times to make it.  This is what makes us human. Not to get totally grandiose here, I just think that at two in the morning, when people are struggling and they turn to their blog and write about things, this is a good thing."

That being said, as with any venture worth taking seriously, not to mention work-at-home jobs, success brings its own challenges. Regarding time management and juggling distractions, Asha admits, "That is actually something that I'm really struggling with right now because I find, I guess, as the volume of e-mail and all of [my responsibilities] have increased...I have this personal desire to respond to everybody who writes to me. I'm talking about my readers who send in hacks and stuff. They're such interesting people and I feel like I've actually made friends with people because we would engage in these e-mail conversations. But I just can't. I can't scale that right now. I am struggling, honestly, with how to manage it all. I'm trying to become more systematic in my work hours, but that's not exactly how my mind works."

From the inside, the debate pops up occasionally regarding whether or not blogging is dead. Criticism of mom bloggers as diaper-drivel "hacks" (and not in the helpful ParentHacks.com sense) rarely quiets down for more than a scroll of the mouse or two. But watch any mainstream media newscast these days and you would think blogging was just created last month and mom bloggers were the "get" of the year.

Asha's perspective is the one in the sandbox we have decided to rely on, remember? For good reason. "I think that there is only one way to go, which is up. I think that there is still a surprising number of people who think, 'Huh, a blog? What would I ever write on a blog?' [In the future], it may not look like a blog, what people are writing. A lot of people are joining Facebook and doing a lot of writing there. A lot of people are joining Twitter and they're doing their writing there. So, whether or not it is an actual blog, the fact is that people are sharing their experiences online in a social and interactive way. I would say to those people who are super active on Facebook, they should consider starting their own blog because that way their content belongs to them. If you're a writer and you want to really maintain the control of your writing, then put it on your property."

But that bit of your own property you are looking to claim in the sandbox is, even now, a little crowded on all sides. Thousands of mom blogs come and go every day, so how can a new blogger, previously published or not, make her voice heard?

On this point, Asha is clear as a bell. "If you start blogging with an eye to high traffic numbers and 'success,' it's just a path to frustration. I think the reason that the people who are successful are successful is because they're compelling writers. They have really strong voices and they write. They do it. Day after day after day after day. I think a lot of blogging success is exactly the same as writing success: you just continue to do it and you just don't stop until people are reading it."

"In the case of blogging, you also keep connecting and you keep connecting. Just by engaging in the conversation, I'm not talking about glad-handing or 'networking,' I'm just talking about commenting on other people's blogs, talking about what other people are talking about with them, and it'll happen. I get impatient with those people who start a blog and then they get upset in a few weeks when they don't have thousands of visitors, as if that somehow is what makes their writing legitimate. That's not what makes their writing legitimate. I mean, the quality of their writing is what makes their writing legitimate.  And participating in the conversation. It'll happen. No, not everybody is going to be at the top of the heap. I mean, that's what bell curves are about."

Asha Dornfest's advice for mom bloggers? "I think if you're going to start a blog, start it because you want to write. Because you want to connect. Because you want to put your writing out there. Many people just think of writing as expressing themselves and that's it. Like I'm putting this out there to the world and then I'll put another one out, like lobbing it over the stone wall sort of thing. That's not how I do my writing, however there are people who do do their writing that way, I'm sure. For them, maybe blogging would be more trouble than it's worth. But for everybody else, yeah, do it. Do it, do it, do it."

 

Megan Jordan is the Cover Editor of Mom Writers Literary Magazine. She is widely referred to as a "mom blogger," though most of the readers of her personal blog at VelveteenMind.com couldn't tell you how many children she has; however, they will be able to name the last five books she's read. Redefining labels is one of her favorite hobbies. An enthusiastic supporter of blogging, Megan is also the Publisher and Editor-in-Chief of the online literary magazine, Blog Nosh Magazine, at BlogNosh.com.