Small Town Soup
by Karrie McAllister
The Constitution of the Laundry Room
I, The Mom of this, The Laundry Room, in order to form a more perfect home, establish peace, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the remainder of my family members, promote the general cleanliness, and secure the wearability of clothing for myself and my family, do ordain and establish this Constitution for The Laundry Room.
Article 1: The Branches of Power
All Power herein granted shall be vested in a sole ruler, which shall consist of The Mom, because she is the only one who will accomplish anything in The Laundry Room.
Article 2: The State
The State of The Laundry Room shall be under the control of The Mom at all times, and should never be blamed on The Mom. The Mom typically has other things to do besides just the tasks of The Laundry Room, and anyone whining about the speed at which items move through The Laundry Room shall be punished by hand-washing gym socks without the assistance of rubber gloves.
Amendment 1: Freedom of reach
The remaining members of this household are free to place their dirty clothes into a number of hampers that The Mom has strategically placed around the house in convenient locations. From the hampers, The Mom will remove the soiled clothing and return it in a much cleaner state to the owners of said clothing. However, The Mom will not be held responsible for dirty clothing that is left on bathroom or bedroom floors, in piles near the hampers, or in the garage.
Amendment 2: The right to bare arms
If family members do not cooperate by gathering their dirty clothes into the hampers, they have the right to bare arms, legs, and other such body parts because they were too lazy to pick the socks up and take the two steps to put them in the hamper.
Amendment 3: Search and seizure
The rights of The Family do not exist behind the door of The Laundry Room. The Mom may search all pockets for loose change and seize it as her own. The Mom also has the right to save the accumulated funds and spend them on herself in any way she pleases. Finders shall be keepers, and losers shall be weepers.
Amendment 4: Confrontation of witnesses
Upon the instance of a member of The Family leaving a tube of lip balm or an ink pen in the pocket of His or Her clothing, The Mom will not assume responsibility for the destruction of the other clothing in the same load. Instead, The Mom has the right to confront and berate the member who committed this heinous crime, unless of course it was herself, in which case it was just an honest mistake.
Amendment 5: Cruel and unusual punishment
If, for some reason, a member of The Family thinks that He or She is doing you a favor by taking off sweaty exercise clothing and placing them directly into the washing machine and leaving them there, sealed and unwashed, to fester in their own filth, this hereby is considered Cruel and Unusual Punishment and the perpetrator shall be rightfully punished.
Amendment 6: The powers of The Mom
The Mom has the final power of decision when faced with articles of dirty clothing that have not been previously returned to their right-side-out state. Any T-shirts or pants arriving in The Laundry Room in an inside-out fashion may or may not be returned correctly. This decision is left to The Mom and likely depends on her mood at that time. Dirty, sweaty, grass-clipping-filled socks that have been taken to The Laundry Room will not, under any circumstances, be returned in their correct state. The Mom does not wish to reach her hand in any more than you, and will not be expected to endure such awful conditions.
Done in Convention by the Unanimous Consent of The Mom in the Year Two Thousand and Seven. She has hereunto subscribed her name…in fabric softener.
 Karrie McAllister, Webmaster and Regular Columnist, has dabbled in everything from coal mining to culinary classes. She and her family live in Northeast Ohio where conversations in the grocery store and pierogis are as common as Amish buggies. Her local column, Small Town Soup, appears in local newspapers and her writing has appeared on numerous Web sites, and she published her first book, Small Town Soup: Good for what ails you in 2007. Read more of Karrie's small town tales at her Web site, www.KarrieMcAllister.com.
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