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Don't Get Me Started by Linda Sharp Survey of marriage is childish I'm not a big fan of surveys. They tend to never have any earth-shattering revelations, and what they do reveal, is generally met with (at least from my mouth),…Duh. Recent findings about marriage are, in my humble opinion, no less duh-worthy. However, the powers-that-be at The Pew Research Center seem to be all atwitter and concerned. It seems that having children is no longer the key to a happy marriage. In fact, it has fallen from third (in 1990) to eighth of nine factors. Kicking its diaper clad butt to the curb? Sharing household chores. Pardon the repetition, but... DUH. OK, OK, that is only one of the items pushing it down the list, but it is very telling. While the researchers seem to think it is indicative of a society more concerned with individual fulfillment (essentially we are a bunch of hedonists), I think it is simply a society which is finally getting real and moving further away from the fake utopia of June and Ward Cleaver. Personally, I don't believe a marriage should ever stay together for the kids, let alone be entered into solely to make some kids. Sure, marriage is a meeting of the hearts and minds of two people, and I would hope that by the time the rings are exchanged, they have had conversations about what they want out of life and their union – kids, a house, career, a dog, etc., but the cement of a marriage should never be comprised of 2.3 children and a picket fence. Mutual respect? Yes. Common values? Absolutely. Like-minded goals? Essential. But children? That is a personal choice and one not every couple chooses to pursue. And that's OK. My own sister has always known, acknowledged, and lived her life around the simple fact that she did not want to have children. I have always applauded her for that. Not because she wouldn't make a good mother. She would. Hell, when it comes to “aunting,” she kicks other aunts solidly in the caboose. She is spectacular, adored by her nieces, and would lay her life down for all of them. Rather, I have always respected her decision because she stuck to her guns. So many people in this world get married and have kids because they think that is the socially accepted natural progression, not because they truly want to be parents. And the children typically suffer for it. I have three kids. Rudy and I wanted them all. (OK, OK, we wanted two, but got three, and thank God every day for the surprise.) And while they are certainly a strong component of our life together, they are not the reason the marriage has lasted almost 17 years. The marriage has survived and thrived because we are a team. Because one is not viewed as less than the other. Because in this screwed up world, at the end of the day, there is no one we would rather fall into an exhausted heap alongside than each other. Household chores are done by both of us. Keeping sex alive and interesting is a joint endeavor (a happy sexual relationship is also ahead of children on the latest survey). And the one that insures this marriage can keep chugging along: faithfulness, which also outranks procreation. Brad Pitt could show up naked on my doorstep and, after I finished taking pictures for my blog, I would decline the offer of anything further. And I feel completely safe in saying a naked Angelina would get asked to leave by Rudy. And before you sit there going, “Oh, yeah, riiiiight,” let me assure you – That's not denial. That's trust. That's knowing what I have in my partner. And he knows what he has in me. Yes, yes, yes – a bitchy, sometimes foulmouthed, hotheaded, Irish girl – shut up. But also someone who has his back, knows him better than anyone on this planet, and loves him in the vein of this line from the movie, Meet Joe Black : “She knows the worst thing about me, and it's OK.” Children have very little to do with it. Sure, I love the father he is to his daughters. Warning to any guy who sets their sights on them: You have a helluva lot to live up to. Good luck. Bring your “A-game,” or don't bother ringing the bell. And I know that he completely values and respects how, as a lifelong stay-at-home parent, I am raising them to be strong, independent, accountable, caring human beings. But we loved one another before they came. And we will love one another after they move out into the world. Our daughters are not the glue that holds us together. They are simply the icing on our beautiful cake. What holds us together is true to the survey. I kid you not – as I was halfway through writing this piece, he came home early, bearing a wonderful gift for me... My very own Dyson. I actually climbed him like a tree in gratitude. He knows how much I have wanted one, but he is very much aware that he is saddled with the cheapest woman in the world, and that she was never going to buy one for herself. He also knows that a vacuum cleaner, no matter how stellar, should never be a Mother's Day, birthday, or Christmas gift. But it sure makes one hell of a fabulous present on a Monday. Yes, household chores. This is a happy marriage, indeed. Now, if I can just get those damned kids to do what they do best – mess up the carpets so I can use my new toy.
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