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Don't Get Me Started by Linda Sharp Decoding Your PMS M.O. (MOODus Operandi) Each month when the hormonal tide turns, even the most docile female is capable of morphing into a B-movie she-wolf. When Premenstrual Syndrome strikes you, does your mood redefine the letters PMS to mean "Please Make Sense,"
1. One week before your period, you enter the grocery store and end up with that cart you know, the one with the Marty Feldman wheels – one going left, one going right, one jammed up by a Navy bean. Your reaction: A. Choking back tears, you continue forward through the store, mentally asking the universe, "Why me?", unable to make right turns and using every bit of muscle in your body to keep from running into passing shoppers.
2. While watching TV with your boyfriend/spouse, you stretch awkwardly and mention your aching back. He does not get the hint that you desperately want a backrub. You say: A. Please rub my back, don't touch me, I love you, you complete idiot, what would I do without you, get away from me, Do I look fat to you?
3. Acknowledging to yourself that you feel touchy, stressed and a bit, well, bitchy, you decide that being quiet and not talking much is the safest bet. Your mate, unfamiliar with the “eye-of-the-storm,” where all things are almost too perfect and still, asks the question, "What's wrong?" You respond: A. By taking a deep cleansing breath, "I beg of thee. Please just leave me alone. This is not about you, don't make it about you." B. With a slightly drunken slur, "Just a little PMSy. I would simply like to enjoy this bottle of wine alone. Be a dear and slink off and die." (You blow him a slobbery kiss as he departs.) C. Through clenched teeth, "What's wrong? What’s WROOOOONNNGG? You're an idiot, that's what's wrong! Look at the %$#@ calendar for once! See that black circle, the same one I draw for you every month at this time? Get out, GET OUT, GET OUT!"
4. Your boss calls you into his office for your annual review two days before your period. Overall it is good, but she adds a few constructive criticisms towards future performance improvement. Upon leaving her office you: B. Use your entire lunch hour to find the perfect card for that yin/yang balance of brown nosing BS and Hallmark sincerity – to thank her for the thoughtful comments and past mentoring. C. Tell everyone within earshot "What a great boss we all have!" then proceed directly to the parking garage where you let the air out of her tires, smear lipstick on the windows and pour sugar into the gas tank.
5. Stricken with cramps and bloating, you decide to spend the weekend curled up with your good friends, Thelma and Louise and Ben and Jerry. Just as the really good Brad Pitt scene begins, the doorbell rings – it is a salesman. He leaves your doorstep: A. Shell-shocked as he tries to decipher the garbled words, "I DEEL FICK! CAN'T YOU JEOPLE TUST PEAVE ME ABONE???" B. With a blank check. You just want him to go away. As he leaves you wish him well and blow him a kiss. (That may not be the case when you receive the four thousand pounds of fresh manure fertilizer you just ordered.) C. In pieces. Your four letter laden, verbal tongue-lashing annihilates him. They find shreds of his polyester suit five counties away. No one interrupts you and a half naked Brad Pitt.
Your PMS M.O. Mostly A’s Mostly B's Mostly C's Linda Sharp is an internationally read author, columnist and event speaker. Her work appears online at over 60 Web sites and in print publications from Maine to Malaysia. Sharp is also the owner/editor of Sanity Central.com – home to over fifty hilarious authors and columnists. Give her a Google and read till your eyes dry out! Learn more about Sharp at www.lindasharp.com. Check in with her daily via her highly trafficked blog, Don't Get Me Started and pick up a copy of her latest release, “Femail: A Comic Collision In Cyberspace,” available at booksellers everywhere.
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