Dispelling the Myths of Mommyhood

Mommyhood – it’s everything I thought it would be, but nothing I expected. That is the only universal truth I know about parenthood.  Many women are surprised and unprepared for the realities of mommyhood. It doesn’t help any when we are faced with daily misconceptions that have the power to damage our self-image and self-esteem. Here are ten of the top myths of what good moms should and shouldn’t do. Drumroll, please…

Myth 10:  Good moms find breastfeeding easy.

Breastfeeding is best for our child. I’m not going to dispute this claim, nor doubt the incredible benefits. However, breastfeeding doesn’t always come naturally, and it can be tough. When it doesn’t go smoothly, a mom can feel as if she is failing her child, her family, and herself. How do I know? I experienced all this and more with the birth of my first child. After countless hours of tears, admonishment, and finally acceptance, I realized that the success of my child wasn’t based on my ability to nurse (or not nurse). I soon reached out to other parents to address this rarely discussed subject, and I found that two out of three moms that I spoke with have had some sort of difficulty breastfeeding. Most didn’t feel that they could share their concerns with anyone. That’s not true! If you are having trouble with breastfeeding, or just don’t feel that it is the right step for you and your child, try connecting with someone else to receive assistance or to alleviate your feelings of guilt. 

Myth 9:   Good moms naturally and immediately bond with their children.

The baby’s crying, you’re up every hour during the night, your hormones are through the roof, and you have spit-up running down your neck. These aren’t really the best circumstances for creating the mood for love – or bonding. Unlike other societies around the world, moms in the United States are given just two days (if we are lucky) of clinical support in the hospital. Then we are left to our own devices to care for our infant, adapt to this new lifestyle, and heal from the delivery. This emotional and physical toll is going to affect how you feel, and it isn’t related to post-partum depression. In fact, up to 40% of new moms have admitted that they don't feel genuine affection for their babies until the end of the first week. For others, it takes months. Give yourself time to nurture the relationship with your child.

Myth 8:  Good moms always treat their children equally.

In theory this would be nice, but unless you have a houseful of robotic kids it just ain’t gonna happen. Children have different strengths, weaknesses, dreams, and personalities. To treat them all equally would be a disservice to their individualism. It is unrealistic to think that what works for one of the children will work for all of them. Use their differences as a learning moment to teach your children to embrace and celebrate diversity and differences.

Myth 7:   Good moms have sex just like they did pre-baby.

Okay, this one always makes me laugh, because I can’t understand why (or why not) having sex would define whether you are a good mom – a good wife…maybe, but not a good mom. I think it is natural to think that everyone else is having more sex than you, and that may or may not be true. However, stop worrying about the Jones’ and focus on your needs. Your sex life is going to change after having a baby. As a dear friend says, you are “hormonally challenged,” tired, and trying to adjust to a slew of changes. Instead of focusing on the physical act of making love, nurture your relationship with your partner by communicating and finding other forms of intimacy.

Myth 6:  Good moms look fabulous all the time.

Yeah. Right. I don’t know about you, but I have never been able to say “Oh my gosh, that woman has a beautiful outfit and hairstyle. She must be an incredible mom.”  Moms come in all shapes and styles. I’ve met some incredible moms overcoming life’s challenges while providing for their children. What were these ladies wearing? Bruises and scars from past relationships; second-and third-hand clothing. What did I notice they were wearing? Pride and love.

Myth 5:  Good moms keep everybody happy, and instinctively know what their children need.

If that were true, moms would be all powerful and god-like. In reality, good moms can set an example by being happy themselves, but it is not up to mom to dictate how her child feels. Additionally, we can’t read minds. We need to expect our children to empower themselves to ask for what they want.

Myth 4:   Good moms don’t admit their feelings of guilt, anger, or fear.

Having feelings – good and bad – makes you human. Becoming a mom isn’t always a natural transition, and many women find that motherhood is a tough gig filled with an abundance of emotions and feelings. And, while these feelings – whether good or bad – makes you human, moms rarely discuss them. Until recently, no one seemed to talk about the downside of parenthood; speaking about parental challenges was taboo. We lived in a June Cleaver/Stepford Wife world where problems were whisked under the carpet with the dust bunnies. Luckily, that era is gone now. Moms now can rely on their biggest support network – other moms who provide an empathetic connection that encourages others to share their common experiences. There is a sense of comfort speaking with another who has dealt with the trials of a colicky baby or an unruly preschooler. And, rest assured, there is no shame in admitting that motherhood isn't easy.

Myth 3:  Good moms never have children who misbehave.

Kids are kids, and part of being a kid means misbehaving. Misbehavior is how children learn – right from wrong. Perfection is not attainable – not in adults, and certainly not in kids. Your child’s misconduct doesn’t dictate whether you are a good mother or not.  Respond appropriately and recognize that these are wonderful teachable moments.

Myth 2:   Good moms don’t need help.

We’ve all seen the mom who just seems to have it all together. What’s her secret? She probably has a village in which to raise her child. Learning to ask for help from immediate family, friends, other parents, and neighbors is crucial. And when people offer to help, accept their offers! Most parents have had feelings of failure for needing help, but you and your child will have a much more rewarding experience if you have a little assistance!

Myth 1:   Good moms don’t want to do anything else but be a mom.

How sad that would be if that were true. Don’t get me wrong. I think we all want to be the absolute best mom we can for our children. And, part of that is celebrating and satisfying our individual needs. Relish being a person, a woman, a dreamer, a partner, and yes, a mom. Take the time to nurture yourself, so you are able to better provide for your family.

Julie Watson Smith, mom of three and founder of Mommy Hullabaloo. More than just a parenting column, it is a national company inspiring moms to get organized and energized while learning, living, and loving the chaos of mommyhood! Julie is also the author of Mommyhood Diaries: Living the Chaos One Day at a Time (Wyatt McKenzie Publishing, 2005) and the upcoming Mommy Hullabaloo’s Guidebook to Learning, Living and Loving the Chaos of Mommyhood (TBD). Visit Julie at www.mommyhullabaloo.com.