BETTER THAN XBOX?

by Adrienne Dyer

One day, my friend Nathalie asked me to baby-sit her two sons, aged five and two, for a couple of hours.  I was still pregnant with my first daughter, and eager to bank some hours of kid-time to plump up my “New Parent To Be” qualifications.  True, I didn’t have a lot of actual experience entertaining energetic little boys, but I was ready to test drive Motherhood!

Future Parent Failure #1: Complete Lack of Child Entertainment Sources

As Natalie’s car disappeared down my street, the boys asked, “Do you have any toys?” 

Toys?  Gee, I hadn’t thought of that.  But of course I had toys!  Didn’t I?  Surely there were some toys somewhere around my house.  Wait a minute—I didn’t!  Not a single one.  Egad!  I had invited two unsuspecting children into a toy-less home.  I rubbed my swollen belly and apologized to my unborn child for my rotten parenting skills.  Then I faced the boys and fessed up.

“No toys!” they shouted in unison.  “What about Xbox?” 

I shook my head again.  I may as well have told them, “Sorry kids, we seem to have a shortage of air to breathe at our house.  You don’t mind do you?”  With a pitying glance at me, they set off in search of something to play with. 

Future Parent Failure #2: Inadequate Childproofing

While I may have failed in the toy department, I was well on my way towards a well-stocked diaper-changing station.  Vaseline, Penaten cream, diaper pins—I had every baby hygiene item a new mother could possibly need.  My daughter was going to have the cleanest little bum in the entire world. 

In theory, I knew about a toddler’s genius for getting into things they shouldn’t—hadn’t I been warned a thousand times by friends who were toddler veterans?  Still, I committed the classic folly: I took my eyes off the two-year-old for a single second.  While I was busy scrounging my house for something, anything for my charges to play with, the littlest guy was equally busy exploring the change table.  Apparently, in a two-year-old’s creative mind, Vaseline is good for all kinds of things, including hand lotion, hair gel, a quick snack and antique furniture polish. 

Future Parent Failure #3: Inability To Provide Sufficient Nutrition

While I chased down a slippery, giggling two-year-old, my older charge decided he was hungry. 

“Do you have any snacks?” he asked. 

“Sure, like what?”

“How ‘bout crackers,” he suggested. 

Uh oh.

“Okay, then cookies!” 

Nope. 

“Granola bars?” His voice was less than hopeful now, and I shook my head in shame.  “Bananas?”  Clearly, the choice of last resort, used only when faced with total starvation. 

"Sorry," I croaked in shame.  He bit his lip and walked away.  I could hear his tummy growling clear into the living room. 

No toys, no food, no Xbox—nothing.  I was a failure.  I was washed up.  I didn’t deserve to have a child of my own. 

“Can we play with this?” The older one asked, holding up a ball of bright red wool from my knitting basket.  Stunned at the ingenuity of the idea, I agreed.  He took the ball into the kitchen, held it up to the light, and kicked his imagination into gear.  Five minutes later, all three of us were engaged in a riotous game of Keep Away. 

When Natalie arrived, her boys didn’t want to leave.  Thanks to the incredible imagination of a couple of kids, I had somehow passed my Motherhood test.  I suddenly realized that Parenthood wasn’t something I could study for and prepare ahead of time, like a job interview or a college exam.  In a few short weeks, my baby would come into this world, and together, she and I would muddle through, one day at a time.  Everything was going to be okay. 

On their way out the door, I asked the boys if they’d had fun, despite all my deficiencies.  “Oh, yeah!” The five-year-old exclaimed.  “And you know what?  A ball of wool is better than Xbox!”

Adrienne Dyer has enjoyed the wild adventure of Mommyhood for just over a year; long enough to realize that starting a new freelance writing career during maternity leave wasn't as easy as she'd hoped.  Still, she remains optimistic that her new career is Mommy Compatible and that she won't have to return to her government job.  In addition to freelance, she has written 3 books for children and is well into her fourth short contemporary romance novel.  She is lucky enough to live in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada—Utopia, as far as she's concerned—with her husband Doug, daughter Ariel, and a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel named Higgins.