Heavenly
By Deborah Hurley

I clearly remember taking his little hands into mine as I gazed into his huge green eyes.  I will never forget kneeling on the floor, whispering my intense love for him.  There are no words to describe the joy and peace I feel when I am with my son.  I realize how different his life would have been had I not chosen to fight.  I realize that every whisper, every touch, every look and every kiss made a difference.

I have so much to offer my son and because of my experience I offer him wisdom about self love, loving others, perseverance, courage, fear and hope.

My son is much taller than I am now that he has become a teenager.  He and I have been through an enormous amount together, most of what we have endured he does not even remember.  I have been honest with him throughout the years and have given him my truth.  I have been diligent in explaining to him that he was never the reason for my sadness and that he had nothing to do with it at all.  Although I was ill for most of his childhood years, I longed for his little mind to be free and did all that I could to give him the best possible start in life.

I know that my son has never ever doubted my love for him and I realize the tremendous impact I have had on his life.  My eyes gaze upon him today and I am totally speechless.  He has learned from a very young age that we can go through difficult times together and as long as there is love, we will be okay.  He is aware that I am writing this book and one day when I know he is old enough to understand, I will let him read it.  For now he is too young and I want to protect him for as long as I can.  My broken heart becomes perfect when I look at him and see the incredible person that he is becoming. 

I look at him
and smile to see
how very special
he is to me
Growing so fast
and changing so much
I try to savor every touch

He pulls away,
I pull him back
as he turns his cheek
I smile
telling him every day
how much I love
and adore him

How do I let go?
I ask myself
in this world
will he be ok?
At times my fear
envelopes me
I bow my head
and pray
Hold this child
in your hands
he means so much
you'll never know
Give him strength
and wings to fly
protect him
as he grows

Right now, he is here
I kiss his face
I hold him
close to me

This very moment
I'll never get back
I hear him calling me
I need to go
look at his face
I need to go
feel his embrace
and even if
he pulls away
I'll be there for him
every day

Excerpted from "Fragments of Hope: From the Depths of Depression, One Woman Bravely Reclaims her Life, Offering Hope to Others" (Wyatt-MacKenzie, Jan 2007) by Deborah Hurley.