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MomfulnessTM by Denise Roy As I read Momfulness, I knew I had met a kindred spirit in the world of mothering and writing. Denise Roy echoed my beliefs in being present in the role of Mothering. I highly recommend this book to mothers of all ages to remind them that conscious mothering is best for everyone. I was so excited by the book that we invited her to host her own column here at Mom Writer’s Literary Magazine. Welcome Denise, we are looking forward to the column. Are we here yet? As I sit at the computer writing this, my daughter is telling me about a book she is reading. I am suddenly aware that she has been talking to me for over three minutes, and I can’t tell you a thing she has said. I have been mindlessly saying, “Uh-huh, uh-huh.” Sound familiar? We’ve all had the experience of being physically present but not mentally present at all. Maybe we’ve been driving down the freeway and after several miles, we “wake up” and realize that we have no real memory of the last few minutes. When we have these realizations, where is it that we have we gone? It is as if we live in a trance, and every once in awhile we realize that there are other people speaking to us, or that life is happening around us and we’ve been blind to it all. Here is another example: Someone is talking to you while he or she simultaneously surfs the Web or reads e-mails or instant messages. The person’s body is there, the mouth is moving, but there’s no real connection with you at all. You feel the gap. There are actually terms for that distracted quality that you’re hearing; it is called “surfer’s voice” or “absent presence.” When I am the one who is absently present, my kids and husband know it in a second. I may deny that I’m sneaking peeks at my e-mails when they are talking to me, but they can tell. They know I am not really “home.” Many moms pride themselves on their ability to multi-task, and I’m no exception. However, if we ask our kids if we are as good at this as we think we are, I think we might be surprised. One day my son Matt, who was 13 at the time, was talking to me while I was reading the newspaper. Earlier I had bragged to him about my juggling-many-things-at-once expertise, and he didn’t say anything. At this moment, however, he felt completely frustrated with my lack of attention. “I’ve decided you can do two things at once,” he said loudly. “You’re just lousy at both of them!” This absent presence is actually the state that most of us live in much of the time. It’s not just technology that distracts us and splits our attention. Our own thoughts are enough to keep us away from being fully present. It is as if we have our own internal radio or television screen playing constantly in our heads. We are remembering something that happened in the past (rehashing) or we are anticipating something we need to do in the future (rehearsing). In addition to this R&R (which is the opposite of rest and relaxation!) we’re often entertaining ourselves with full-blown scenarios of things that may or may not ever happen, or we’re going on and on with judgments about others or ourselves. This steady chattering goes on most of the time without our awareness. Our thoughts are the primary things that pull us out of the present moment. The reality is that as mothers we do have a lot to think about and a lot to do. The amount of information barraging us, and the number of demands upon us, feel limitless. Yet it is essential that we learn how to return to the present moment and to our real selves. If we mindlessly whirl through life doing many things, we may actually be accomplishing less that we could if we held a relaxed, present moment focus. In addition, if we live our lives in such a way that we are not present, it is as if we are walking ghosts. Our children, spouses, friends, and co-workers know that we are not really home. They don’t feel truly seen or heard by us. They don’t experience the fullness of love – and neither do we. When we practice mindfulness, we return to the present moment and just notice, without judgment, what is happening in the outer word and in our inner world, in our bodies and in our minds. This really isn’t a burdensome thing to do; it can be the most refreshing and nourishing gift we can give ourselves and to the people we love. “Fully-present presence,” as opposed to “absent presence,” will change our family and us more than any other practice. It is a scientific fact that we affect those with which we live – on physical, emotional, and mental levels. If we are able to be present in a given moment, we enable our families to “come home” as well. In my earlier example of sitting at the computer while my daughter was talking with me while I was distracted, I eventually became aware that I was not really present to her. I stopped typing and looked her in the eyes. I noticed how long her lashes were, and how excited she was about what she was saying. I became aware of her breath and of mine. Spontaneously, I smiled. In returning to the present moment, I felt much more connected to her and to myself. In that half a minute, it felt like I came home. We are not going to be able to remain fully present in every moment with our family members (I don’t know anyone who is that enlightened). But if we can do this at least once or twice a day, it will transform our lives. Practicing a little R & R Today, choose a moment. It can be in the car, the kitchen, the workplace, or the baby’s room. Just notice if you are fully there – in the present moment. Listen in on the dialogue going on in your head. What is it that you are paying attention to? Are you rehashing the past? Are you rehearsing for the future? After a minute or so of noticing, shift into a different kind of R&R: resting and relaxing into the present moment. Breathe in a calming breath, and return to your body: “I’m resting in this moment.” Recognize that this is the only moment there is. Now take another breath: “I’m relaxing into this moment.” It really makes a difference when we take a few moments each day to move out of the stressful R&R (rehashing and rehearsing) and into the restorative R&R (resting and relaxing).
Denise Roy, LMFT, M.Div., is an author, a licensed marriage and family therapist, a popular speaker, and a mother of five. Her books and audiotapes include Momfulness: Mothering with Mindfulness, Compassion, and Grace (Jossey-Bass, 2007), My Monastery Is a Minivan (Loyola Press, 2001) and Meditations for Mothers (Random House Audiobook, 2007). Her essays have also been included in these books: Your Children Will Raise You; I Like Being a Mom; The Miracle of Sons; Spiritual Surrender; and Humor for a Mom's Heart. Denise and her husband live in the San Francisco Bay area; they have three grown sons, an eleven-year-old daughter, and an eighteen-year-old foster daughter from Iran. For more information, please contact her at denise@deniseroy.com and visit her website at www.DeniseRoy.com.
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