You can Keep your Teddy Bear and Flowers, I want Real Love

A few weeks ago, my husband’s car battery died while he was at the chiropractor. He called me and asked me to bring the jumper cables. I drove right over. After his battery was charged again, I kissed him good-bye and hopped in my car to leave. He went into his appointment, where the receptionist asked “Are you and your wife newlyweds?”

He said “No, we’ve been married for almost 11 years. Why do you ask?”

She said, “It just looked like you were.”

I hope he still gets asked that when we’re much older and greyer.

This incident got me thinking about romance and love, my favorite topics. I realized that my view of romance and love has changed significantly since my teen years.

It got me wondering, what IS romance. When in doubt, I consult the dictionary.

ro·mance   n. Ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people; love.

Romance is not a bouquet of flowers or a teddy bear.

To me, romance is two people who respect each other through good times and bad. Two people who love each other in sickness and in health, all the days of their lives. Sound familiar?

Here’s an illustration. Which of these two movies is more romantic, in your opinion?

Romeo and Juliet: The story of two teenagers who loved deeply and passionately, even though their families disapproved. These kids had a forbidden love, and both end up dead because of it.

The Notebook: The story of the love of a man and a woman over time. It’s not always exciting. In fact, I’m sure many of their days were rather dull, but they loved each other through all the stages of their lives.

There’s no question in my mind. The Notebook is a much more romantic story. The teen angst thing in Romeo and Juliet is just not romantic to me as it was years ago. It may be because I’m older now or, hopefully, because I’m wiser.

Perhaps the line between “Romance” and “Love” fades over time?

For instance, I am a wimp for true love stories of older people who still adore each other.

I just stare at my grandparents sometimes with tears in my eyes. They don’t do traditional romantic things often like buy flowers or jewelry or go to fancy restaurants, but they sit outside and talk, do crossword puzzles in their side-by-side La-Z-Boy Recliners, and go to church together.

To me, this is the best kind of romance there is. No, their marriage hasn’t been perfect, and it isn’t always exciting, but they have commitment and they worked hard, even when they didn’t necessarily like each other. And, now, after 50 years of marriage, they still work in the garden together, and care for each other.

That is love. And, that is romance.

Last month, I witnessed love that blew away any Academy Award-winning movie ever made.

I was at my grandmother’s funeral, one of the least romantic places you can find, and I was surrounded by love. All around me in the church pews, my uncles and aunts were sitting side by side, comforting each other through their grief.

It especially made me weep to watch my Godparents together. They’ve been married thirty years, and they’ve always shown great respect and love for each other. During the funeral, while my Godmother was mourning the loss of her mother, her husband was there, sturdy and solid by her side. When it came time for the eulogy, he stood in front of that church, with tears streaming down his face and gave a speech that was a tribute to his mother-in-law, my grandmother. I have a feeling that his eulogy and his support on that day meant more to his wife than any of the flowers or jewelry he’d given to her during their thirty years together.

That is love.

Now, this doesn’t mean that we can’t enjoy traditional forms of romance. There’s nothing wrong with flowers or jewelry. In fact, I enjoy jewelry quite a bit. However, my argument is that romance is a daily respect and enjoyment of each other, not just something you “do” on Valentine’s Day or an anniversary because you’re supposed to.

So, what are some simple ways you can incorporate romance into your daily life? How can you show your husband that you love him, not just on Valentine’s Day when you’re supposed to, but every day, now and forever?

1. Words of Love – Tell him. Write it in a note or hire a singing gorilla. I don’t care how you say it. Sing it. Write it. Scream it. Just do it often.

2. Show your Love – Do things for him that make him happy. Whether it means cooking his favorite dinner as a surprise, scheduling a date night, or rubbing his back, just take time to show him that you love him without strings attached.

3. Support – Does he need to talk? Does he need your strength? Give it lovingly. Men get scared, too. Help him work through what he needs, even if that means calling in a counselor or someone trained to help.

4. His Family – They may be hard to deal with at times. However, assuming they aren’t manipulative or destructive, suck it up and be gracious and generous with them. He loves his family and you love him. It may be a concession sometimes, but it’s worth it.

5. Physical love – Make time for this. If it’s been a month since the last time you’ve been intimate – schedule it if you have to.

Imagine how few divorces there’d be if we would invest as much time into nurturing our marriages as we spend in other areas of our lives:

1. Housework

2. Going to the Gym

3. Volunteering

4. Commuting

5. Doing our hair and makeup

6. Running errands

It seems, in the scheme of things that our marriages usually draw the short straw. Everything else has a higher priority and our marriages can wait. Or maybe we even feel selfish spending time on our marriages. After all, the kids need us and the chores are waiting.

I don’t feel it’s selfish. It’s an investment. Long after the kids are grown, that relationship will be there, because you valued it enough to invest energy into it.

It’s ok that the line between “Romance” and “Love” fades over time. Romance is a state of mind. And, it’s as critical to marriage as adhering to your vows.  Take time to show your husband you love him every day.

Nicole Dean is the proud creator and owner of http://www.romanceyourhusband.com/, a website dedicated to helping married couples stay friends and to help them remember why they married each other in the first place. Her disclaimer is: If he's a jerk, this won't work. But, if he's sweet, rub his feet.