MomfulnessTM
by Denise Roy
Voice lessons
…let us always be kind in this world.
– Natalie Goldberg
I am sitting at my kitchen table, drinking coffee from my favorite mug. My notebook is in front of me, and I’m doing writing practice before I read the newspaper or check my email. I begin by listening to an audiotape of author Natalie Goldberg; she is sharing from her book, “Writing Down the Bones.”
Even though Natalie is not with me in person, it feels as if I have a friend in my kitchen, a coffee buddy. I realize that her voice is a living thing with a quality that amazes me. It is not only her words — what it is that she is saying — but it is also her tone, and the silence that surrounds her words. It is the smile that comes through, along with her passion. It is her humor and delight, as if she is the happiest right now just talking with her listeners, talking about what she loves, about what has kept her going all these years. She shares her love of writing, of meditating, and of her spiritual teacher, Katigiri Roshi.
The quality of her voice reflects the fact that she has meditated for decades. She has a depth of compassion for herself that is the wellspring of her compassion for others. The sound of her voice helps me find my own voice on this morning. I begin to write.
And then the telephone rings; it is my mother. Her voice sounds plaintive and sad. She is looking for a direction to her day, hoping for an invitation or for some news of what’s happening in her children’s lives. Because there is a wide and gaping space inside of her and inside of her days, she overplays her hand, gets overly involved and anxious. In that moment, I am only aware of being irritated at being disturbed. I push her away, and cut our conversation short.
After I hang up, I turn on the tape again. I hear Natalie’s voice, and then I realize the unspoken message that had come through my voice as I spoke with my mom: “Don’t bother me. I don’t have time for you.”
I call my mother back. I feel the voice inside me soften. As I speak with her, a memory comes to mind: I was ten, and one school day we came home for lunch, and she made us bacon in the broiler. It caught on fire and the fire department came, and all the kids on our school playground watched the hook and ladder truck go by. I remember how it made such a good story, and how much my mother loves a good story. She has always lived on the edge, never letting rules or limits stop her. But now, in her mid-70s, she has no choice. The limits are in her body, as she struggles with severe osteoporosis and a heart condition.
Today she had called looking for purpose, for some meaning, and for a connection to her children who are the loves of her life. “Would you like to come to dinner?” I ask. I know it will be her anchor for the day. “I’d love to,” she says. She adds, “Thank you. You’ve saved me from sausage and sauerkraut.”
I hang up, and turn my tape player back on, and I thank Natalie out loud for the lesson in finding my voice. Natalie responds, “The deepest secret in our heart of hearts is that we are writing because we love the world, and why not finally carry that secret out with our bodies into the living rooms and porches, backyards and grocery stores? Let the whole thing flower: the poem and the person writing the poem. And let us always be kind in this world.”
 Denise Roy, LMFT, M.Div., is an author, a licensed marriage and family therapist, a popular speaker, and a mother of five. Her books and audiotapes include “Momfulness: Mothering with Mindfulness, Compassion, and Grace” (Jossey-Bass 2007), “My Monastery Is a Minivan” (Loyola Press 2001) and “Meditations for Mothers” (Random House Audiobook 2007). Her essays have also been included in these books: “Your Children Will Raise You”; “I Like Being a Mom”; “The Miracle of Sons”; “Spiritual Surrender”; and “Humor for a Mom's Heart.” Denise and her husband live in the San Francisco Bay area. They have three grown sons, an 11-year-old daughter, and an 18-year-old foster daughter from Iran. For more information, please contact her at denise@deniseroy.com and visit her Web site at www.DeniseRoy.com.
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