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Don't Get Me Started by Linda Sharp Etiquette takes a vacation This morning found me in one of the more prime people-watching venues on the planet: an airport. My daughter was leaving for a take-Chicago-by-storm shopping trip with my sister. As she was embarking on her first solo flight, we arrived extra early to arrange all the major unaccompanied minor details with the airline. This also afforded me the opportunity to peruse the never-ending variety of human beings en route to numerous points beyond Austin. We share airspace with some truly unique individuals. It got me to thinking... Growing up around the airline industry, I had occasion to travel more than the average kid. From Florida to Hawaii, my family availed itself of the friendly skies (and free family passes). As I grew older, I even took an airline job to continue my affair with wanderlust. I have seen airlines come and go, split and merge. I've been on everything from prop planes to 757s, have toured Air Force One and the Concorde, flown in the cockpit jumpseat, and sat in front seats of fighter jets. I even managed to snag a ride aboard a Goodyear blimp at one point. Yes, I have seen many changes in the industry and the aircraft throughout the years, but the biggest change I have noted is in the people who travel. More specifically, the behavior of the people who travel. It used to be that air travel was a big deal. People would spiff up for their trips with suits, ties, dresses and heels being the expected attire. Manners prevailed and civility was the watchword. Stewardesses wore white gloves and meal service was divine. Yet somewhere along the way, something began to happen. Somewhere between the glut of available airline seats and the opening of the first Wal-Mart, more people were able to afford a ticket and began to travel. Unfortunately, no one informed these newbies about expected behaviors, attire and rules, and soon the airports began to take on a decidedly "bus terminal" feel. The well-dressed, well-mannered traveler was going the way of the dodo. Flight attendants, now permanent candidates for casual Friday in their polo shirts and khakis, no longer deliver hot meals with a smile. They are too busy clearing the bathrooms of Mile High Club wannabes. Sweat pants, flip-flops, a laptop and a bag of McDonald’s are now the standard uniform of travel. Even in first class, once the domain of the really beautiful people, Abercrombie & Fitch trumps Dolce & Gabbana. With the exception of business travelers who will be walking straight off a flight into a board meeting, seldom do you see someone who gave any thought to their apparel or appearance. Once on board, if you‘re lucky, you end up next to a grandmother who bathed in a gallon jug of Eau de Roses who will talk your ears to bleeding about grandbabies, her rutabaga garden, and her latest crop of bunions. Worst case, you end up sandwiched between a chunky fellow with a sinus infection and aversion to wearing deodorant, and a traveling salesman who, while watching porn on his DVD player, eats a bag of hard-boiled eggs. And just as you ask yourself, "What fresh hell is this?" the person in front of you slams their chair into recline and begins to paint their nails. There just seems to be no etiquette, no concept of personal space and definitely no savoir faire in terms of human interaction. And this phenomenon is not restricted to the skies overhead. No, once you land and head toward your hotel or motel, the trend toward bad behavior becomes even more acute. Especially if you are staying at the ones that offer the ubiquitous FCB - Free Continental Breakfast. You know the ones. The Holiday Inns, Super 8s and Best Westerns of the world. Lovely, economy establishments. We can't all afford, or find, a Ritz-Carlton on our journey over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house. As my summer typically includes much in the way of road travel, I have had occasion to frequent many of these establishments, as I make my way to and fro across this great land of ours. A recent stay in a hotel which shall be nameless, let's call it Best Super Comfort Holiday Suites, still has me shaking my head. Screaming children running through the corridors, including one little boy, age 3, who was alone and going from room to room on my floor knocking on every door trying to find his. There were teens swimming in the pool with their clothes on and toddlers leaving crackers all over the pool deck. But all of this paled in comparison to the Human Buffet I enjoyed watching the next morning at the "Free Continental Breakfast." First of all, you would have thought these people had just been airlifted from Darfur, the way they were clawing and clamoring at the food. My youngest daughter, age 11, a savvy traveler herself (and not raised by wolves) whispered, "I feel like I'm in prison." Wrong, honey. Prisoners have strict dress codes that include shirts, shoes and pants. These people, and they were not unique - I see a version of them every time I partake of the FCB, anywhere I travel - had literally rolled out of bed and down to the lobby. Bare feet, bed-head, men with no shirts, women with curlers in their hair or hair wet from the shower, and kids running amok in their underwear. I would have probably left well enough alone and ignored yet another demonstration of how ill-mannered and socially inept so many travelers are, but then HE passed by my table. It is because of the barefooted, bed-headed, nose picking, obviously underwear eschewing man who toyed with his "tea bags" as he passed my bagel, that I offer these guidelines for the traveling impaired. Follow them, because I'm out there, I'll be watching, and from now on, anyone who dares walk into my eyeline while scratching their undercarriage is going to earn an FCB - Free Continental Bris - courtesy of my plastic cutlery. 1. Airplanes are essentially sardine cans with wings. They are compact and crammed, and everyone is trapped for the duration. Wear deodorant. Brush your teeth and carry breath mints. If you must bring on food, be cognizant of the accompanying odor. A five-hour flight to Maui is not the best time to indulge your craving for boiled cabbage or Easter eggs. And NO, the seat fabric will not magically suck up the smell when you fart. Your anal offering will be re-circulated through the plane until arrival. 2. The Mile High Club is over-rated. Plus, anyone who thinks they can get real satisfaction in the confines of an airplane bathroom deserves to be caught by the flight attendant or have their foot slip into the blue water of the toilet. 3. Dirty diapers do not belong in seat pockets or handed to the flight attendants. People understand that babies poo, but it is your responsibility to mitigate the smell; bring a supply of Ziploc® bags and dispose of them when you land. 4. Porn is for home-use only. For God's sake people, can't you do without it for a few hours? Never mind, I saw the calluses on your hands, I guess not. At least have the decency to turn your laptop or player away from the rest of us. 5. At the hotel, yes, the breakfast is free, but it is not being served in your home. Unless you have ordered room service, your pajamas, or lack thereof, are not appropriate dining attire. 6. I have yet to see a food establishment, outside a beach bar, that doesn't follow the "No shirt, no shoes, no service" rule. Put your shoes on your feet; your corns, plantar warts and chewed up toenails really put a person off their bowl of Special K®. 7. Corral your children. Again, this is not your home, but their atrocious behavior offers a pretty good glimpse at what goes on there. 8. Take what will neatly fit on one plate and sit down. You can always go back for more. Filling two plates to overflowing is bad form, especially when you end up dumping the majority of it in the trash. Besides, I have yet to see the Motel 6 that has run out of Froot Loops®. 9. Chew with your mouth closed – period! Finally...and I cannot stress this one enough: 10. Wear underwear under your floppy shorts and do not rearrange your fruit basket while people are eating. It is a Free Continental Breakfast, not a Free Appalachian Breakfast. Besides, I'm still having nightmares and don't think I will ever be able to eat a bagel again.
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