SUMMER 2005 SHORT FICTION CONTEST

SECOND PLACE WINNER

Her Romantic Fool

by Ami Peltier

Whump! The overstuffed sofa protested when Shannon plopped down next to me. She slung her arm around my shaking shoulders. Marnie sat opposite, on high-alert with a box of Puffs-Plus with Aloe. After all, on occasions like this, you pull out the big guns.

I sniffed and threw my hands up. "I just don't understand! I practically walked Paul down to the jewelry store and placed that bracelet in his hand! All he had to do was hand over the credit card to the salesgirl! When he didn't buy it, I figured he was going to pick it up later as a surprise!"

"It's okay, Angie," Shannon said and squeezed my shoulders. "After all, it's not like he didn't get you anything. A toaster is a very thoughtful present!"

I broke out of my stupor and glared at Shannon. "I don't care if it was thoughtful! I wanted that bracelet! Or chocolates! Or flowers! Anything but a small appliance!"

"Now, Angie, you're being a little."

"And it isn't even the right toaster! It's white! All of my appliances are black! What was he thinking? And he couldn't even spring for the four-slice model! How am I supposed to make toast for a family of five with an ugly, white, two-slice toaster?"

My tears were gone now. I had transitioned from "hurt" to "angry" in record time. Clearly, it was time for comfort food. I reached toward the coffee table and selected a nut cluster from Marnie's Whitman's Sampler. Never let it be said that her husband, Jim, doesn't know how to do the holiday up right.

"I just don't understand! He used to be so thoughtful. What happened?" I asked, staring down at the chocolate in my hand and trying to hold back the tears. The caramel chew didn't answer, so I ruthlessly popped it into my mouth.

Shannon and Marnie exchanged knowing glances. They had both been married for over 20 years, and considered me a relative newlywed.

Marnie handed me a tissue. "Angie, Paul didn't mean to hurt your feelings. He's just a typical, clueless man. He knew you needed a toaster, so he figured it would be the perfect gift! They all do stuff like this, right Shannon?"

"Oh, yes. Do you remember the time I told Jim that I didn't want anything for Valentine's Day, since we were a little short on cash that month?" Shannon asked, rolling her eyes.

"Snork-hahaha." Shannon had caught me mid-nose blow. Oh, I remembered all right. Shannon had been furious when Jim had taken her at her word.

"Now a real romantic would have picked me flowers or put a little money aside for a few months. Jim was absolutely perplexed when I was crying that night. I swear, has the man learned nothing after two decades of marriage?" Shannon shook her head.

I assumed her question was hypothetical and selected another chocolate. "Do you girls remember the good old days when a guy would do anything to impress you? Once, when we were in college, Paul got together with a few of his friends and sang me love songs in the middle of the quad. In four-part harmony," I added, with a wistful smile.

Marnie nodded in agreement. "I had a boyfriend in high school who rented a limo and took me to the ballet one year."

Shannon sighed and propped her hand on her chin. Her eyes softened and she said two breathless words: "Billie Simpson."

Marnie and I laughed.

"Wow, what did Billy Simpson do to get you so worked up?" I asked.

"He stole a set of tires," Shannon admitted with a smirk.

Marnie snorted. "Oh, that's romantic!"

"It was! Billy knew I needed new tires, and winter was coming. I had just lost my job, and couldn't afford a new set. He told me he stole them to prove his love for me," Shannon said.

"So, did you let Billie change your oil after he changed your tires?" Marnie asked, putting air brackets around the words "change your oil," because she knew it would irritate Shannon.

Shannon sniffed. "There's no need to be vulgar, Marnie!" She blushed. "And yes, I did. But I regretted it the next day."

"Why? Weren't the tires steel belted?" I asked. I started to do air quotes around "steel belted," but the look in Shannon's eyes stopped me.

"Angie, you really stink at sexual innuendos," Marnie complained.

"Sorry. Anyway, what happened, Shannon?" I asked, with my hands firmly on my lap.

"Well, it turns out he stole the tires off of a cop car. That weekend, there was a picture of the crime scene in the local paper."

"Let me guess. They found out it was Billie, and he went to jail, never to be seen again," Marnie said, clasping her hands together.

"No. Worse. They never caught him, and the jerk went free," Shannon said.

"But I don't understand why you were mad at him!" I said, full of romantic yearning for my own felon with a heart of gold.

"Because he only gave me four tires, and the picture showed three cars up on blocks. You do the math," Shannon said.

"No!" I breathed, forgetting my own distress for a moment.

"Yup," Shannon sighed. "It turns out he was using his tire iron with two other girls that week."

Marnie and I burst into laughter. "Yeah," I said. "I suppose criminals are only romantic in the movies, huh?"

"Oh, I don't know," Marnie said with a grin. "Paul would look quite dashing trying to sneak a toaster out of Sears under his sweater vest!"

I reached for a coconut creme and smiled. "You know, I really did need a new toaster."