Just Say No!

This little phrase became a part of our culture when former First Lady, Nancy Reagan, dubbed it the slogan for the drug war campaign. Some of us may remember it from having our parents pound it into our brains. Or, depending on your age, you were the one doing the pounding. But this phrase isn’t appropriate for just drugs. It can be applied to many other areas of our lives.

Most of us fill our lives with so much “stuff,” (a.k.a. “fluff?”) at the expense of more meaningful things. We justify material “stuff” by saying that we need it, it serves a purpose—or at least will serve a purpose some day when we might need it (or have time to use it). We cram our schedules so full of “stuff” that we barely have time to use the bathroom. A best friend just had a baby and it would be nice to take over a meal or offer to take her older kids for a while, but who’s got the time? Time to cook decent, healthy meals? As long as it comes from a box! Exercise? Does walking upstairs to bed at night count? Ah, but we’ve got good reason for this, too. All that time we spend volunteering for those fifteen different committees and organizations just proves how giving and helpful we are. And after all, if we don’t do it, who will?

Ladies! It’s time to hang up your capes and retire your Super Woman suits. It’s time to start enjoying your home, your families—your life! It’s time to be joyful! And it’s time to start saying no. Saying no is tough, but it’s a necessity if you’re to live a life of wellness.

A Coaching Moment

In what ways do you try to have it all? Do you believe a woman can truly have it all, all at once? Or does it come in various seasons? Can a woman have it all and do it all well? Journal your thoughts.

As an example, a friend and I were talking recently. Her son was playing basketball (among other activities), and our boys were not. She wanted to know how we did it.

“How do you do it? How do you say no?” she asked.

“Simple,” I replied. “I open my mouth…” Okay, so it’s not really that simple. Remember earlier when we discussed our journey on a bus? What was the first thing we needed? Desire. Right? In this case, we didn’t want to confine our entire winter— weekends and all—to basketball and driving, sometimes for two hours, in winter weather.

Next, you need to make a choice—either go with what you desire, or choose what you know in the end will not make you happy. We chose to not do basketball. As it is, our boys do soccer, skiing, and baseball for sports, and we thought that was plenty. We didn’t see any benefit to adding basketball to the schedule.

The next step is to make a plan. In our situation, we had to plan alternative activities. Since we live in the Northeast, they do outdoor activities in the winter instead—and don’t suffer because of missing out on basketball. We also had to plan to stick with our decision!

Finally, you need to act on your decision. That’s where actually saying “no” comes in. If you live in a small town, you understand the pressure for your kids to be involved in everything. And because everyone knows everyone, small town people really have a knack for slathering on the guilt when you decline. But you need to decide what is best for you and your family, not what’s in the town’s best interest. You’ll need to come to a point in your life where you feel good rather than guilt for saying no. Obviously, there are times we have to say no to something we really wish we could say yes to. But so much of our lives is filled with fulfilling other people’s expectations of us (the “mold”). In our case, saying no definitely paid off. The parents whose kids played basketball complained all season long because of the crazy schedule. Weeknights and every weekend were totally eaten up with basketball. Some games were more than two hours away. And some days, they had a game in the morning and another game somewhere else in the afternoon. Did I mention these were nine-year-olds?

Learning to say no is one of the first steps in living a life in wellness and building the healthy life you and your family deserve. Yes, there are things that we have to do that don’t necessarily instill a warm fuzzy feeling (can’t say as I love the mounds of daily laundry and dishes!), although we can choose to change our attitudes about those things, too (a topic for another day!). The “extras” that you choose to fill your life with—do they bring you joy? Or do you dread that weekly meeting? Do you absolutely hate your job? Or do you flit out of the house each morning, merrily anticipating another day at the office? Okay, maybe that’s a little much, but you get the idea. Having a bunch of junk crammed into our lives that we loathe can also color other things. For instance, maybe it’s not really exercise that you hate. Maybe you think you hate it because you don’t have the time to workout the way you need to, to enjoy it. So instead, you resort to the dreaded stationary bike because it’s right there and available and put in your time—as little of it as possible!

Some of you may have to actually practice saying no. Try role-playing with a friend or your spouse. Come up with various situations that you have encountered in the past or that you know you will encounter in the future. Have your partner pretend to be the person trying to get you to join a committee or make costumes for the next school play or take on a more time-consuming position in an organization you all ready belong to. Come with a few different ways you can gently—and honestly—turn the offer down. Once you’ve done this, you now have some ammunition in your back pocket that you can pull out when offered or asked to do something you feel you can’t.

A Coaching Moment

In what areas of your life do you need to practice saying “No” to?

The above is an excerpt from Carrie’s book, Squeezing Your Size 14 Self into a Size 6 World: A Real Woman’s Guide to Food, Fitness, and Self-Acceptance. Join Carrie’s free wellness club at www.womeninwellness.com.

Carrie Myers Smith, has a degree in exercise science and health education, is an ACSM-certified personal trainer, licensed corporate Wellcoach^®, co-founder and president of Women in Wellness^TM, and the fitness editor for Fit Body magazine. Her work has appeared in many publications including Shape, Fitness, Fit Pregnancy, Cooking Light, Health, Muscle & Fitness HERS, and Energy for Women, for whom she was a contributing editor and "Body Shoppe" columnist. In addition, she writes frequently for health and fitness trade journals, including both ACE and IDEA publications, and is becoming increasingly more well-known as a respected expert in the fitness industry. Her first book, Squeezing Your Size 14 Self into a Size 6 World: A Real Woman's Guide to Food, Fitness, and Self-Acceptance (Champion Press, 2004), has won acclaim from real women and experts alike, and received one of Independent Publishers’ highest ratings. "I love playing a role in helping women change their lives!" says Smith. "While I may be considered an 'expert,' I really relate to the average woman, having the same struggles and life challenges." Part of these challenges includes raising and homeschooling four sons with her husband, about which she quips, "Let's just say they give me plenty of opportunities to practice my coaching skills!"

In addition to her first book and workbook, Carrie also has the following books coming out in 2005 and 2006. Small Steps, Big Changes: A Day-by-Day Calendar and Coaching System for Total Wellness (Champion Press, 2006), Fit to be Mommy, co-authored with Bonne Marano, Fitastic Kids! (Champion Press 2006), Downsizing: Shaping Up Your Body by Slimming Down Your Life (2006). Carrie’s books are available through local and chain bookstores, online bookstores, and the publisher at www.championpress.com/books/squeeze.htm.

You can visit Carrie through her site womeninwellness.com or email her at CarrieMyersSmith@aol.com.